Witness Su Pollard receiving a mystery phone call. Is it Ruth Madoc wondering what she’s had for her tea? Is it Paul Shane inquiring about joining the BBC sitcom all-stars lottery syndicate? Whoever it is, I hope they’re asking the question on everybody’s mind: will Su feel the benefit?
Before we can begin to analyse this complex situation, we must first consider exactly what environmental change Su is about to experience. Although one may suspect Su lives in a permanent pantomime wonderland, we must take the evidence of the X-Mas tree to mean it is late December. Should she be about to brave the wintry blusters to nip down the offie and stock up on Cinzano then I am convinced that Su will feel the benefit, as you’ll notice she’s thoughtfully left half of her sparkly outfit on the sofa.
However, being attired in what appears to be tin-foil forces me to suspect that Su could be preparing to roast herself in the oven in an act of avant garde X-Mas dinner performance art. While her top half is comprehensively foil-sealed, her legs would be exposed to the full blast of gas mark five, surely rendering the Rear of the Year 1988 charred beyond recognition within half an hour!
I’ve got to trust my instincts on this one, and my instincts say anyone that’s been a guest on Loose Women three times definitely knows how to tell it like it is. So what’s Su Pollard saying to her mystery caller? She’s saying that she’s one woman that knows exactly how to feel the benefit.