WILL THEY FEEL THE BENEFIT?



THEY ARE PEOPLE.
THEY WEAR COATS.
THEY GO OUTSIDE.
BUT WILL THEY FEEL THE BENEFIT?
Witness Su Pollard receiving a mystery phone call. Is it Ruth Madoc wondering what she’s had for her tea? Is it Paul Shane inquiring about joining the BBC sitcom all-stars lottery syndicate? Whoever it is, I hope they’re asking the question on everybody’s mind: will Su feel the benefit?

Before we can begin to analyse this complex situation, we must first consider exactly what environmental change Su is about to experience. Although one may suspect Su lives in a permanent pantomime wonderland, we must take the evidence of the X-Mas tree to mean it is late December. Should she be about to brave the wintry blusters to nip down the offie and stock up on Cinzano then I am convinced that Su will feel the benefit, as you’ll notice she’s thoughtfully left half of her sparkly outfit on the sofa.

However, being attired in what appears to be tin-foil forces me to suspect that Su could be preparing to roast herself in the oven in an act of avant garde X-Mas dinner performance art. While her top half is comprehensively foil-sealed, her legs would be exposed to the full blast of gas mark five, surely rendering the Rear of the Year 1988 charred beyond recognition within half an hour!

I’ve got to trust my instincts on this one, and my instincts say anyone that’s been a guest on Loose Women three times definitely knows how to tell it like it is. So what’s Su Pollard saying to her mystery caller? She’s saying that she’s one woman that knows exactly how to feel the benefit.

Witness Su Pollard receiving a mystery phone call. Is it Ruth Madoc wondering what she’s had for her tea? Is it Paul Shane inquiring about joining the BBC sitcom all-stars lottery syndicate? Whoever it is, I hope they’re asking the question on everybody’s mind: will Su feel the benefit?


Before we can begin to analyse this complex situation, we must first consider exactly what environmental change Su is about to experience. Although one may suspect Su lives in a permanent pantomime wonderland, we must take the evidence of the X-Mas tree to mean it is late December. Should she be about to brave the wintry blusters to nip down the offie and stock up on Cinzano then I am convinced that Su will feel the benefit, as you’ll notice she’s thoughtfully left half of her sparkly outfit on the sofa.


However, being attired in what appears to be tin-foil forces me to suspect that Su could be preparing to roast herself in the oven in an act of avant garde X-Mas dinner performance art. While her top half is comprehensively foil-sealed, her legs would be exposed to the full blast of gas mark five, surely rendering the Rear of the Year 1988 charred beyond recognition within half an hour!


I’ve got to trust my instincts on this one, and my instincts say anyone that’s been a guest on Loose Women three times definitely knows how to tell it like it is. So what’s Su Pollard saying to her mystery caller? She’s saying that she’s one woman that knows exactly how to feel the benefit.

Witness Alan Davies as Jonathan Creek, staring into space as he ponders the one puzzle he could never solve: why do I never feel the benefit?

Because, you big mimsy flop-a-top, you never take off that sodding duffel coat!

You may have laterally thought your way through dozens of brain-bending murder cases, but has it never crossed your mind that if only you would remove your overcoat when indoors, your body temperature could regulate itself so that upon stepping outside it doesn’t plummet, causing all manner of brain freezing and unpleasant sensations of parky-ness?

And get a haircut while you’re at it.

Witness Alan Davies as Jonathan Creek, staring into space as he ponders the one puzzle he could never solve: why do I never feel the benefit?


Because, you big mimsy flop-a-top, you never take off that sodding duffel coat!


You may have laterally thought your way through dozens of brain-bending murder cases, but has it never crossed your mind that if only you would remove your overcoat when indoors, your body temperature could regulate itself so that upon stepping outside it doesn’t plummet, causing all manner of brain freezing and unpleasant sensations of parky-ness?


And get a haircut while you’re at it.

Witness Margaret Thatcher selecting the latest addition to her collection of stout-fabric power suits. But of all the questions she must have posed to the fashion assistant about her potential purchase, did she remember the most important: will she feel the benefit?

With all her faux-practical housewife rhetoric, one would imagine that Mags would have been an ardent supporter of such a common-sense philosophy as feeling the benefit. Which would slightly make up for her dislike of giving people benefits. Yet it seems that indoors or out, it is the same densely-fibred sort of skirt-suit that she wears, convincing me that the lady was not for benefit-feeling.

Everybody obsessed with what she kept in her handbag, ignoring the greater danger of what was trapped in between those needless, excess layers of clothing she wore indoors. Pockets of air, gradually warmed by body heat until they became a suffocating band of stuffiness, clouding all decisions: the fug of war. It’s how Falklands happened, you know. 

Witness Margaret Thatcher selecting the latest addition to her collection of stout-fabric power suits. But of all the questions she must have posed to the fashion assistant about her potential purchase, did she remember the most important: will she feel the benefit?


With all her faux-practical housewife rhetoric, one would imagine that Mags would have been an ardent supporter of such a common-sense philosophy as feeling the benefit. Which would slightly make up for her dislike of giving people benefits. Yet it seems that indoors or out, it is the same densely-fibred sort of skirt-suit that she wears, convincing me that the lady was not for benefit-feeling.


Everybody obsessed with what she kept in her handbag, ignoring the greater danger of what was trapped in between those needless, excess layers of clothing she wore indoors. Pockets of air, gradually warmed by body heat until they became a suffocating band of stuffiness, clouding all decisions: the fug of war. It’s how Falklands happened, you know. 

Witness Mary Berry, doyenne of baking, as she muses over trays of jam doughnuts with fellow Great British Bake Off judge Paul Hollywood.

Her trademark Zara bomber jacket seems the perfect choice for such an occasion, its busy pattern amply camouflaging any jam splatter. But will prematurely layering herself with doughnut-deflecting garments compromise her future comfort? When she steps out of the bake-off tent, will she feel the benefit?

There is a major existential question posed in this benefit-feeling scenario: is a marquee an indoor or outdoor space? In the case of the bake-off tent, the homely decor and presence of walls are sure indicators of an interior feel. Furthermore, the frequent blasts from plucky contestants prising oven doors open in their mission to avoid soggy bottoms must turn the place into a biscuit-scented furnace. Certainly Paul does not look to have caught a chill as he eyes up the doughnuts, and there’s even a fan poised for action beneath the highly tasteful faux deer head.

Emerging from an overheated tent into the perishing climate of the British summertime is guaranteed to send Mary’s body temperature plummeting,  forcing me to conclude that wearing her jacket indoors means Mary Berry will not feel the benefit. Unless she has producers on hand with a massive fur overcoat or something.

Anyway Mary, you may be queen of cakes, and you may incite riots in high-street fashion chains, but such flagrant flouting of the laws of benefit-feeling is really quite irresponsible.

Witness Mary Berry, doyenne of baking, as she muses over trays of jam doughnuts with fellow Great British Bake Off judge Paul Hollywood.


Her trademark Zara bomber jacket seems the perfect choice for such an occasion, its busy pattern amply camouflaging any jam splatter. But will prematurely layering herself with doughnut-deflecting garments compromise her future comfort? When she steps out of the bake-off tent, will she feel the benefit?


There is a major existential question posed in this benefit-feeling scenario: is a marquee an indoor or outdoor space? In the case of the bake-off tent, the homely decor and presence of walls are sure indicators of an interior feel. Furthermore, the frequent blasts from plucky contestants prising oven doors open in their mission to avoid soggy bottoms must turn the place into a biscuit-scented furnace. Certainly Paul does not look to have caught a chill as he eyes up the doughnuts, and there’s even a fan poised for action beneath the highly tasteful faux deer head.


Emerging from an overheated tent into the perishing climate of the British summertime is guaranteed to send Mary’s body temperature plummeting,  forcing me to conclude that wearing her jacket indoors means Mary Berry will not feel the benefit. Unless she has producers on hand with a massive fur overcoat or something.


Anyway Mary, you may be queen of cakes, and you may incite riots in high-street fashion chains, but such flagrant flouting of the laws of benefit-feeling is really quite irresponsible.